Guru

The other day, coming from the gym, I walked in to Fruits du Parc, needing to quench the ole thirst before heading over to work. I rather rushed in, noticing that the cashier was swigging from a long narrow can. It was a mildly unusual sight (How often do you see cashiers swigging? And how often from long, narrow cans?), but did not strike me as being of great significance. I grabbed a bottle of some stuff that isn’t Snapple (official boycott on my part for unproven scoop/possible urban myth, about them providing cash to anti-marijuana propaganda organizations), and headed over to pay.

Just then this guy appears in a suit, with a briefcase and a salesman’s grin, to whom the cashier says, ‘Its good,’ acknowledging the narrow can. He says something to the effect of, ‘Well, there you go’; slams a can of the same stuff in front of me; says, ‘Here, try this out’; then leaves. I find myself kinda whirling in the getting-stuff-for-free buzz when the cashier says to me, ‘It’s really good.’ Suit-and-briefcase guy, halfway down the hall, hears this, and turns to say, ‘Wait twenty minutes!’ in a tone of sinister joy. This intrigue brings me down from my buzz. I quickly ask, ‘What happens in twenty minutes?’ Briefcase guy’s grin grows to Cheshire cat proportions, as he mimes punching someone in the stomach, says ‘POW!’ and disappears.

Such was my introduction to the Guru energy drink. Impressive, no? Duration of the whole scene: less than a minute.

I took the drink to the car, thinking, What a perfect opportunity for reviewguys. Here’s a brand new product and I’m the perfect guinea pig: I’m a total novice in the energy drink department, and was curious about this pow-effect. I figured, What the hell. Either it’ll provide a minor burst of energy for the start of my shift at work, or it won’t. What did I have to lose? I checked the time (about 4:05 p.m.) and started some swigging of my own.

Bad move.

The initial chug brought such a twisted grimace to my face that I must have looked as though I were drinking straight tequila (another more personal boycott after I spent a night face down on a beach in Acapulco). The taste was like no flavor I could identify, yet was vaguely familiar, and definitely not stuff meant to be chugged. Ingredient check: carbonated water, white grape juice concentrate (aha!), natural flavors, guarana extract, lemon juice concentrate, salt, and extracts of Siberian ginseng, echinacea and ginkgo biloba. That was the familiar flavor. Guru tastes like carbonated white wine. Baby duck without the alcohol. With that in mind I was able to finish the can by about 4:15, 4:20. It’s all about small sips, and not at all about taste.

I parked the car and walked to work considering different ways to monitor what effects, if any, the drink would have. According to the can, both my mind and body were about to be invigorated. I pulled aside someone I work with who knows my behavior quite well, to ask him simply to watch me a little for anything that might stand out as different. But once I opened my mouth, shutting it became anything but simple. I found I was rambling, feeling very present and sharp in recounting all the above details to him…but at the speed of light. I was grinning and fully aware that it could be total placebo action, until he laughingly said, ‘Stephanie, you’re scaring me,’ and ‘You’re totally fucked’. Well, I was high, I felt an internal soaring, but I had broken no law and consumed no chemical drugs — none of your typical psychotropics, in any case. This was all natural and I felt totally clear. My co-workers laughed at me quite a bit and remarked that I wasn’t quite as surly as usual. I was putting around and having a grand ol’ time.

More than one colleague is looking forward to trying Guru. Here are the results of close monitoring:

- I was totally happy to be at work and was enjoying doing my job. (Huh?)
- I asked ‘Anything I can do?’ of someone from another department who was all pissy about something or other. (And meant it.)
- I felt very much myself, singing, laughing. happy. Instead of being the work-mode version of me, I was more the at-home-relaxation-mode version. (Wow.) It was great.

At about 6:20 p.m., the effect started to wear off. It was neither like a post-coffee crash, nor a coming down nor a burning out. It was simply a wearing off, gentle but definite. It didn’t leave me at all worn out, and it confirmed absolutely that guru had provided me with a lift. To the skeptics: If it didn’t do anything, how could I so certainly feel it wearing off? You can fake a buzz, but you can’t fake the feeling of it leaving you.

Guru. It delivers. Too bad about the taste. Then again the ingredients are really good for you. And things that are good for you aren’t supposed to taste good. Mom was right. Again. Thanks a lot, Guru.

$1.99 CDN G.I. Energy Drinks Corporation, P.O. box 143, h2w 2m9, Canada 1-888-810-GURU (4878)